


A Fairchild Family Meeting

by Urbenmyth



Series: Tales Beyond The Archives [7]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Funky grandpa and his Funky Family, Gen, OC do not steal, or do I don't care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urbenmyth/pseuds/Urbenmyth
Summary: There are terrible things in the Vast. The endless void of space. The crushing depths of the sea. The sickening heights of the sky. But perhaps worst of all?Sometimes you have to interact with your extended family.
Series: Tales Beyond The Archives [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965088
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	A Fairchild Family Meeting

Sitting atop the Angel of the North, Malcolm Fairchild watched as a young couple plunged into the endless night skies beneath him. He heard their screams...and sighed. It just wasn’t cheering him up. I guess there was no taking his mind off it. No point delaying it.

It was time to see the family.

Malcolm leapt from the statue's wings, landing heavily outside the Fairchild manor. _He_ was of course dressed respectably, business suit and short hair. _He_ was ready for an important meeting with powerful entities. He was not surprised when Simon opened the door dressed like he was about to teach children some facile lesson about friendship, but he was still disappointed.

“Malcolm Fairchild! What a pleasure it is to see you again! You simply must come in! Indeed, you are obligated to as a Fairchild! But don't let that put you off! Try the canapes!”

He laughed at his own joke as Malcolm walked inside. His worst fears were realized. They were indeed all here.

Tabitha, her eyes deep pools of water, was noogieing John, laughing as his his hair blowing in a breeze that only existed for him. Harriet was dropping canapés, delighting as they reached terminal velocity in an instant and shattered. Elijah had a cowboy hat and straw in his mouth like some caricature of his homeland, despite the fact Malcolm knew for a fact he only steps foot on a farm when it was time to send a tornado there.

Malcolm sighed and sat to read the newspaper. You would think serving the Infinite would lend you a bit more decorum but no, apparently the rest of his family would rather serve the Falling Titan by _shenanigans._

Malcolm had long ago realized that trying to persuade people got him branded as a "buzzkill", followed by more pranks, so he simply watched. One of the most powerful collection of avatars and monsters in the nation, maybe the world, and here they were throwing water balloons at each other.

Still, it doesn't do to be rude.

After an _interminable_ amount of japes and tomfoolery- young Nathanial with the star-filled shadow tried to get Malcolm to join in, and it was only with great restraint that he avoided hurling the little brat into the Abyss there and then- Simon finally tapped his glass for quiet.

“Hello! Family close and distant! What a pleasure it is to see you all again! But alas, business calls. I think we need a family discussion regarding a certain plan I have.”

“I want to build a space station.”

It was only with centuries of practice at decorum that Malcolm avoided doing anything uncouth. Instead, he simply looked aghast as the room filled with applause.  
  
“A _space station_ ?!”  
  
“Exactly, Malcolm ! The servants of Forever Blind are happy to work on the technical parts of it, and the Lukases will split the cost. A station of Darkness, Isolation and The Vast! Space is the next frontier for the Falling Titan, and we need to claim it! Now, of course, I’m in charge so I could do it anyway. But I feel we should put it to a vote. Who votes no?”  
  
Malcolm raised his hard alone. The lone voice of reason once again."

“Listen, it’s a space station. It’ll be a hugely expensive and wasteful way to get the fear of, what, 5 people? We buy a few more boats and that’s hundreds of times more victims for a fraction of the cost. We all have at least a century left, probably more. We can just wait for space technology to develop and then start consuming people, funding it along the way so we have enough of a stake but not so much its a real risk. That way, once this all pans out, we can take people _constantly_ if it works, or retract and move to new plans if it doesn't. It's boring, but its less risk and more reward then a _private space station_."

Harriet rolled her eyes and Elijah sighed, before Simon raised a hand for silence.

“No, no. Malcolm raises some valid points. It is important to take practicalities into account sometimes. Thank you Malcolm, your objections and vote against is noted. Now, who votes _Space Station?!”_

The other Fairchilds erupted in cheers as Malcolm resigned himself to the inevitable.

“Sorry Malcolm old chum, you’re outvoted! Space station it is! John, provide some celebrations!”

As an unnatural storm filled the manor house and the Fairchilds began their dance party in earnest, Malcolm felt that his time here was probably done. He’d fulfilled his family obligation, and he did not need to see a man with the body of a centenarian dancing like some teenager on a “tik-toks”

Leaping from the balcony, Malcolm landed outside a house somewhere in Wales. He just didn’t understand. All of them had seen the infinite. All knew the glory of the Vast. Why was he the only one who kept a sense of dignity around him?

It was frustrating. Infuriating, frankly. You'd never see _him_ walking around taking skydiving classes and flirting with random assistants.

Although he did have to admit, the idea of sending the previous inhabitants of his new house flying through the air screaming rather then just vanishing them did sound _very_ funny.

...

Ah, to hell with it.

You only live once. And even Malcolm Fairchild can’t keep up perfect decorum forever.


End file.
